action-blindness

action blindness

Yesterday I arrived back home from a trip lasting about a month. Thus I saw my living space in an entirely new light. It was as if I was walking into a stranger's home. Every deficit became so obvious. Clutter here, lack of cleaning effort there. Every solution became so obvious. Clothing goes in the clothing hamper. Stuff that belongs in the coat closet belongs in the coat closet. The first thing I did when I came home was started picking up. But that didn't last too long. Hungry, I decided to cook and eat, soon after. Then I parked myself in front of my computer, and that was that.

One of my biggest weaknesses in life is keeping house. I wish I could figure it out. I've been working with ChatGPT day in and day out to try and figure this out. The fundamental problem is my energy choices. I choose to spend energy on some of the worst things possible. Mainly, eating and browsing the web. As an obese person, 6'2" tall and 270lbs, with a BMI close to 35, which is obesity class 2, the main thing I do in life is eat. I am a full time professional eater. My life is optimized to my eating. The solution to my housekeeping problem is so so simple. ChatGPT nailed it. Simply, spend as little as ten minutes each day doing the actions necessary to keep house.

The solution is so obvious and commonplace that there's a clear single word that describes it. Chores. I don't do any chores, and therein lies the problem. Why the f not? The moment I got back to my apartment after being away was the moment I instantly started to do a chore. I started picking up after the life tornado that tore my apartment apart. Putting things back where they belong. I was disgusted. I am still disgusted. But here I am, writing.

Writing is not a chore. Cleaning is. But I am blind to this action somehow. I know exactly what to do: start wiping shit with the 10s of cleaning products I already bought but that just sit unused, pick things up, get some used shelving for free from the internet so there's more surface area to put my things on rather than having them strewn about the floor, get rid of shit ideally by selling it for cash. It's not the knowing. It's the doing.

I imagine my experience of having fresh new eyes to my living space after being away for nearly a month is what users of ketamine experience, and the reason for it's appeal. I was doing the thing. But then I stopped. Now I'm writing. By the end of the day, I will still not have done any chores, and I will be so so confused by it. Why? Is it ADHD? Is it a problem with physical fitness? Am I being rendered unable somehow by exposure to toxins and mold, the very reason itself I need to do chores in the first place? Does it have to do with my mental health diagnosis? I wish I knew. Life would be better if I knew. But I don't.

Today, I woke up at 9am. It is now 9:45am. All I've done so far is write this post. That's it. Here's my morning routine fantasy, all in my head:

1. Complete the tibetian 5 morning rites, an exercise routine.
2. Get in the bathroom and do each of the regular activites of daily living, brush teeth, shower, etc.
3. Invest a 10 - 20 minute block of time for some basic chores. Straighten up. Wipe down. Put away.
4. Have a healthy breakfast, such as the Bryan Johnson nutty pudding, or a leafside meal.

And here's what I've actually done, in reality.

1. Write.

There was a time when I'd even go as far as to delete what I've written after I'd written it, before moving on to other things... on my computer, but since I have this webpage, I will post. It's not nothing to make a post. It's a real action in the real world, but it's one of the few actions I was never blind to, before my trip. Spending time at the computer was the one thing I could do the most, and perhaps the one thing I needed to do the least.

My mind is as cluttered and unkept as my apartment. This point in my life should have been defined by past success: earning an expert level tech cert, having 15 jaw dropping years of professional experience, having hundreds of thousands saved for retirement. Instead, it's defined by the pandemic, and by blindness of inaction. I see the mess, but I don't see the chore that was not completed.

When I try to see it, I'd rather not. I'm the rider of an elephant, and the elephant has gone rampant to the point where myself as a rider has started to forget all the ways in which the elephant has misbehaved, and all the training I've received that is used effectively by people all over the world to address these very same problems has been forgotten as well. Everything seems "normal" while the elephant stamps all around town, destroying things.